Friday, January 22, 2010

My Novel Just Ate My Cat

Novel Writing: A Disorder of the Liver
It's a tragic fact: novel writing has been proven to be the root cause of sixty-three percent of divorces, eighteen percent of unplanned pregnancies, and a whopping ninety-eight-point-six percent of all feline suicides.

If you suffer from the symptoms of "I'm Writing a Novel That I Have to Finish This Year," know that you're not alone.  Dozens of celebrity personalities such as Stephen King, Amy Tan, and Brittany Spears have also suffered from this condition.  Some have overcome their disability and gone on to lead perfectly normal lives as dysfunctional pop stars.  Others, though, are forced to live with their addiction by writing bestselling novels on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, doctors have been unable to isolate the gene responsible for Degenerative Autoimmune Writing Disease of the Liver (DAWDL).  But there is hope.  Please read on for what you can do if you or a loved one suffers from DAWDL:

Understand that frequent references to "Plot" do not indicate a paranoid disorder
Many individuals who suffer from DAWDL continually refer to this idea of "plot."  This does not, however, indicate any belief in plots to overthrow the government, plots to devour grandma's cheesecake from the refrigerator, or other plots to rule the world through the use of remote-controlled house cats.  Doctors believe that they have isolated the cause for this fixation on the word "plot."  It is somehow related to an insatiable urge to assign pattern and correlative coherency to a fictional life.  Common treatments for this symptom include green tea served in Japanese porcelain, frequent trips to Starbucks, and regular concussive lobotomy inflicted via frying pan by female spouses.

Stiffening of the wrists and fingers ARE symptoms of carpal tunnel disease
There is an extremely high correlation between DAWDL and carpal tunnel.  Doctors have been unable to determine the reason.  The predominant theory is that sufferers of DAWDL, due to their inability to sleep normally, often suffer from somnambulation.  It is believed that, while sleepwalking, these novel writers work for long hours at a GM automotive plant.  This would explain the repetitive stress injuries and the chronic lack of financial stability.  The only known treatment involves a soft mattress and duct tape.

Excessive Optimism coupled with Chronic Depression DOES NOT indicate the need for season tickets to see the Cubs
Psychologists studying the common "Those Cubs Are Gonna Win the Series Next Year" disorder (see also "Chicago, et. al.") have found distinct similarities with DAWDL.  Both groups suffer alcohol-induced cirrhosis, moments of excessive euphoria at the first signs of regular-season success, acute anger and depression at the first signs of a new year unaccompanied by a book contract/post-season playoff slot, and eventual resignation exacerbated by increased alcohol consumption.  Current research focuses on the use of Las Vegas slot machines and Wii as potential distractions from the more serious effects of this illness.

Support Groups only seem to encourage deterioration
Psychological support groups for individuals suffering DAWDL have found that these novel writers tend to encourage one another to express increased symptoms of the disorder.  Isolation from other suffers of DAWDL leads to limited improvement.  However, exposure to nature trails, empty rooms without windows, and large black birds of excessive size seems to cause symptoms of a similar disorder, Poetic Libation of EAting and SErial SHunning of Unknown TUPperware disease (PLEASE SHUT UP).

If you or a loved one suffer from this disorder, please ignore the links below.  They have been shown to encourage deterioration and the misplaced hope that the Chicago Cubs will win "next year."  Instead, please go to the nearest search engine to type in "Brittany Spears," "Martha Stewart," or "Censorship" for additional resources.

1 comment:

Olivia Starke said...

lmao...You hit the nail on the head with this one! My lunacy is now justified...