For some, the happy stress of travel actually helps inspire new writing. Watching a live cobra jump a moat and a low wall to fly into the bleachers of tourists - excitement like this can lead to some wonderful new takes on Edvard Munch's "The Scream." For example:
You see that third one? The entire painting has changed. There's even a second person, now, and all the details are sharply defined - clearly the work of a live cobra sneaking into the room. Somebody better call G.I. Joe before it's too late...
For others, the idea of writing while traveling is simply untenable. And the reason for this is simple: most travel isn't that exciting. Bangkok, for my girlfriend, isn't exotic - it's home. With airline tickets what they are, normally she and I drive to exciting places like Illinois or Iowa to see my family. Again, we're not talking about exotic - we're talking about home. We're talking about "how the hell am I gonna write my novel when I'm surrounded by nieces and nephews and - God Forbid - my parents??"
I'm here to reassure you that writing while visiting friends and family is indeed possible. Here are some tips and techniques for Escaping the Creative Suction of Well-Meaning People Who Love You:
1. Stay at a Hotel
Expensive? Yes. Antisocial? Depends on the size of your family. But with a refuge away from the smorgasbord of turkey and cranberry, you can take some time out to work on your story when you wake up in the mornings and before going to bed. Assuming of course you aren't married. In case of marriage, you may need to request a separate hotel room from your spouse. And trust me, this is will give you lots of good material to write about - but you won't stay married for long.
2. Bring a Laptop
If you have a computer, this adds to your credibility as a writer. Tell your friends and family that you're working on the next bestseller. Some in your family will roll their eyes and leave you alone. Others will be extremely fascinated by the idea of your novel. They'll ask you all kinds of questions about the plot, the characters, maybe even which publishing house will offer you largest advance. (Be sure to smile and be polite - there isn't a publishing house on Earth that knows the name Ryan Edel, let alone would give me an advance right now. And I even have my own website.) Some of these relatives will even remind you of the importance of sharing profits with loving and lovely family members.
This latter group of relatives is the group you most need to escape. The most certain means of flight will require a fresh box of baking soda. Clutching your laptop to your chest like a Roman shield, toss a handful of the white stuff into your mouth - the foaming will be mistaken either for rabies or cyanide. If you have a strong enough grip on your computer, you can work on your novel in the ambulance on the way to the ER. Either that, or you'll have to hope that defibrillator damage to home electronics is covered by your insurance.
3. Eat Lots of Sugar
It's a known fact that the brain does not use fat or protein for energy - neurons can only metabolize sugar. And maybe caffeine. So the more Christmas cookies you devour, the better your novel will be. Assuming, of course, the sticky bits of sweetness don't jam your keyboard. Or give you diabetes.
4. Eat a Ton of Fats and Salt
Good for maintaining a healthy weight? No. But your adrenal glands require healthy amounts of cholesterol and salt in order to function properly. Symptoms of adrenal dysfunction include depression, inexplicable anger, and an inability to deal with stress. All of these symptoms are exacerbated by the loving words of people who care more about your weight/finances/occupation than you do. So toss back some hefty helpings of adrenal gland goodness. Then wash it all down with some orange juice - the sugar helps with salt absorption, and the Vitamin C is also critical for healthy adrenal function.
5. Try Coke
Skip Coca-Cola, I'm talking about the real stuff, that white powder you snort up your nose. Powdered sugar, flour, baking soda, anthrax - pretty much any white-powder substitute will do. Some families might sit you down for an intervention, but most families won't. Instead, they'll try to pretend they didn't just see you snort a line of powdered lemon-lime Kool-Aid, and you'll be able to sneak away to the garage with your laptop and a lawn chair. As an added bonus, they'll actually hope you're out there smoking that cigarette you've been craving all morning.
6. Bring a Jacket, Gloves, and Voice-Activated Word Processing Software
Let's face it - your parents' garage is cold, especially over the holidays. And it's nearly impossible to type with gloves on. Or mittens. And mittens are warmer. Though they do make it pretty hard to clutch that cigarette you've been using as a dual-purpose lamp/nose warmer.
7. Stay Home
The decreased consumption of wine, spirits, and medicinal nicotine will lower your chances of diabetes, heart disease, and lung cancer by up to 30%. And you can assure your in-laws that this statistic is supported by irrefutable scientific evidence. And you'll soon have irrefutable proof that divorce is financially taxing.
8. Fake Your Own Death
Socially irresponsible? Naturally. Tasteless? Absolutely. Especially when your own mother discovers you very much alive on her trip to 7-Eleven to buy soda for the wake. I mean, really - those potato chips could have waited until after the priest consigned your immortal soul to God.
9. Drink. Then Drive.
Vehicular Manslaughter carries a pretty stiff prison sentence, so you'll have plenty of time to write after the trial. The downside is that it'll in be longhand on toilet paper. And if you've resorted to this for the sake of your writing, I'm guessing you weren't married in the first place.
10. Forget Writing: Bask in the Dysfunctionality that is Family
You've had a rough life - first childhood, then school, now this whole trying-to-make-ends-meet thing. Enjoy the few days you get with the people who will still invite you over for Thanksgiving after that whole fiasco with rehab. Actually listen to the loving words they have to say to you. Later, you can use these words as material for your bestseller. Or, failing this, you'll have a stronger testimony to rest on as the judge considers your plea of temporary insanity...
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